永别

Very close to exactly a week ago, on a Monday morning, our first Prime Minister, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, passed away at the age of 91.

It had been an extremely emotional week for the whole nation.  People from all walks of life, leaders and famous personalities from other countries, paid their tribute to Mr. Lee.  Every single day in the week, people in our country got to know more about Mr. Lee from the documentaries about him aired on TV.  I believe a lot of people couldn't, or wouldn't, stop checking their mobile for the latest article or tribute about Mr. Lee on social medias.  And I think, it was due to grieve.  It was because we couldn't bear to let him go.

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And I never knew that I loved him so much.

When the news broke on Monday morning, it was long anticipated, it didn't come as a surprise, so it didn't hit hard.  But an immerse sadness swept, very gently, over me.  On the journey to work, I wondered if every driver on the road along side me were listening to the same broadcast which was on every single radio stations.  I wondered if they were all feeling the same numbing sadness that I felt.  At 8, the whole nation hear and see our PM announced that "the first of our founding fathers is no more..

.. At the end of the day, what have I got? A successful Singapore.  What have I given up?  My life.

I am grieved beyond words.."

I knew immediately that I want to pay my last respect at the Parliament house , and that I will only be able to do so on that week's Friday afternoon, because of a very important meeting on Friday morning that I will be busy preparing for during the week.

As the week went by, day after day there were many developments.  People around me, including myself, were frequently on social medias, discussing about the life and politics of Mr. Lee, and also making arrangement and sharing tips on going to Parliament house to pay respect.  Right from the first day, long and messy queues formed, as expected.

Almost every night, I went home late due to work.  Despite the lateness, I still watched some of the documentaries.  I never like documentaries, and I have never been too interested in knowing more about LKY.  This past week was different.  As I sat through the late airing, feeling tired, feeling drained, I also felt engrossed and awed.  But on top of all these, there was a thin layer of sadness.. I didn't want the show to end.

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Friday morning came.  I packed an extra handbag, that contains a bottle of water, an umbrella, a pair of socks, and most importantly a pair of walking shoes.

I drove to Tanjong Pagar, our regional office, for the big presentation.

At 1215, I was the last to leave the conference room.

I didn't expect it at all, wasn't prepared for it at all.  It was a sudden onset of grief, of lost.  Suddenly, the feelings that I must have deliberately contained in a corner came flooding over.  I had to control my emotions, so that I do not start crying at the lift lobby.  I was scared and utterly disappointed that I may not be able to join the queue, as the public was discouraged to join in the swelling queue.

I called Wee San on the phone, so that I could talk to someone.  After composing myself, I got on with my plan.

The first part of my journey, driving back to TPY and then taking the MRT to Cityhall, was smooth.  I reached Cityhall MRT at 125pm, and reached the Padang at about 140pm.  When I settled down at the Padang (we were told to sit down as "there is still a long way ahead"),  I started to Whatsapp WS.  She was worried for me that I was planning to do a 8-hours-queue all alone.  She didn't know that I went ahead after our conversation earlier on, so she Whatsapp me to encourage and to console me that it's ok not to go Parliament house.

With her accompaniment via Whatsapp, I went in the queue, with many fellow Singaporeans there for the same purpose, from Padang, to the F1 stand, then u turn back towards Padang, along the river all the way to Elizabeth walk, reaching Victoria Concert Hall by 4pm.  By then, 2 and a half hours of standing walking in the blazing afternoon sun,  the pain in my back had already set in.  All around me, people were starting to exhibit signs of strain.

Here, we were told that we only had another 1.5 hours to go.  The crowd cheered.  Everyone in this crowd came braced for an 8 hours queue.  We were relived that the official timing was grossly overstated.  And we had all over estimated our own ability and endurance power.

Still on Whatsapp with Wee San, I sent her many photos that I took along the way.   I was so excited when I reached the security check point that i sent Wee San the message "I made it!"

Here, we were each given a card to pen down our messages to Mr. Lee.   I didn't come prepared.  I did not know what to write.  It was on this card, that I told him, and myself, that I only realise now that I loved him so much.  

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Soon, I reached the outside perimeter of Parliament House.  The building looked unfamiliar to me; I don't believe I had ever been near this building.

Soon, I reached it's gate entrance.  The Singapore flag, flown at half mask, actually looked very beautiful against the bright blue skies.

Finally I was about 10 meters from the building's entrance.  At this point some VIPs arrived.  While the curious crowd around me craned their necks to watch, I could't be bothered.

Just before I entered the building, I sent a message to WS that "I am in".  After being in the sun for more than 3 hours, I immediately sent her another message that says "Aircon!".  She understood perfectly, because she was there 2 days ago.

WS was excited, because she was watching the live streaming.   She kept asking my position and progress.  I moved along with the crowd, following the instruction of the guards.

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All of a sudden, I saw it.  All of a sudden, I was a few meters away from it.  But I at the back of the crowd.  I can see the coffin now and then, as the crowd in front of me moved along.   I was shocked.   I didn't expect to reach his resting place so soon after entering the building.

Seconds later, I moved steadily to the front of the crowd.  It was an orderly crowd, and took me only awhile to reach the front, at the foot of his coffin.  I looked at the coffin, it looked so small for the Mr. Lee that I thought I knew.  That's it.  There, in the covered coffin 2 meters from me, was the man, whom I, and hundreds of thousands of other, came to pay respect to.  Came to say thank you to.  Came to say goodbye to.

I don't remember what went through my mind, what I "said" to him, when I was there, at the foot of his coffin.  Then I did what I came for.  I took 3 bows, took in as much as I could with my eyes, as I started to move along, from the foot to the front of his coffin.  For a moment, I finally registered that at the same time that I was paying my last respect to Mr. Lee,   PM Lee HL was near the coffin with a VIP.  I couldn't care less, because I was there for the late Mr. Lee.  My heart and my mind, there and then, had only Mr. Lee KY.

As I moved further and further away, before reaching the exit, I finally saw the excited message from WS that says "are you out already?  I saw you on the live stream!"  But I couldn't feel the excitement, I didn't feel any overwhelming grief.  In my otherwise blank mind, there was only one thought.  And I penned it in my message to her

"It's over.  My 10 seconds with him 2 meters from me"


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That same day, Lynn made a card and some flowers for Mr. Lee (as requested by me).  They were beautiful.   I only pen my message to him on Saturday afternoon.  Again, I started off with feeling not sure and not prepared to write.  Eventually, the words came.  They were not fanciful poems, nor witty articles, nor touching tributes.  They were, in plain English and broken Chinese, a single way conversation with him.  Simply put, I miss him.

Dear Mr. Lee, today I saw on the newspaper, the final words that I want to say to you.
～Mr. Lee, 永别了。