I know very little about grandma's life story. I know she was born in Muar Malaysia, was a teenager during the WW2 years, married my grandfather (who was more than 10 years older than her) when she was about 20. She gave birth to my eldest uncle at the 22, and my youngest uncle at 34. Then, at 47 years old, she became a grandma when I was born. After raising 6 kids of her own, with the youngest 2 teenagers still in school, she started looking after 2 granddaughters as my mum worked.
I had always wondered if she had been happy or willing to take care of me and sis. Not that she didn't treat us well, it's just that she doesn't seem to have much choice. My mum had never been her favorite kid. In fact, based on gender and relationship, my mum may well be the least favorite. My mum did very poorly in school. Being the eldest girl, she was probably tasked by my grandma with chores. Something that I know for sure is that my mum did felt that my grandma didn't love her. "缺乏母爱" was my mum's exact words. Then at the age 22, my mum was pregnant without being married. Finally when my mum and dad came clean with the inevitable, and by the time they scrambled to make all necessary arrangements, she was already heavily pregnant. The wedding photos were, how do I say, quite unbelievable- my mum, the bride, carrying a huge tummy and an extremely brilliant smile, and my grandpa with his totally blackened face. Their wedding day was 9 September; my birthday is early January. I can't help but think that my mum must have been quite a disappointment to them.
As I said, I don't think my grandma had much of a choice under those circumstances. I was a very sickly child; I don't remember anything about the trouble I brought her, but it must be quite many. But I didn't stay there for long, as my mum quit her job to take care of us when I started primary 1. I remembered how my mum harp on how she transformed me, from being skinny (under nutrition) when under my grandma's care, to being fleshy and healthy under her own care.
At this same time my grandma finally got a grandson (cousin WL). 4 years later, at 57 she got another granddaughter, my cousin WS who is 10 years younger than me. They were both taken care by her from birth.
It was only occasionally when I chat with WS that she will tell me stuff about my grandma. Still we chatted more about grandpa than grandma.
I do not know if I am right, but I think grandma's good life started around the time when grandpa died in 1995, when I was 21, WS 11, and my grandma 68. The financial burden were finally resolved when all my aunts and uncles had stable jobs. Some of them still struggled a fair bit, but a few were doing pretty well.
My grandma was a very active senior citizen when she moved to tpy at 68. She participated in many activities and made a lot of friends. She had about 13 years of healthy and happy lifestyle, until she came down with dementia after her 80th birthday celebration.
It was really sad how this disease took her mind away. It was a tough process for her and her care givers in the years of progressive deterioration. There were those initial years when she will shy away from relatives she once were so close to but then no longer recognized. Then there were the tantrums and the heart breaking repeated questions about "what's happening to me". Then there was this period that I kept hearing her cry for mama. Finally, it became so bad that her physical functions were impacted. For example though her mouth and throat were still in good physical conditions, she no longer "know" how to chew and swallow. Her leg muscles and bones were still fine, but she no longer "know" how to walk.
She had zero quality of life in these years that she was ill with dementia. I had always wondered, with her good physical body, how and when will she ever end her suffering.
Today, she finally left. Am I sad? Yes I am. Am I happy? Yes I am, for her, and her care givers. For 8 years, the children who she helped to take care and raised their kids were not the ones who took care of her. It was my 2 single aunties who assumed the role with no qualms.
And my dear grandma, I wondered. What's her wish in life? What's her purpose in life? Does she have regrets? What's her legacies?
Grandma, thank you and farewell. Your body should already be stone cold this evening, but I don't know why, your forehead felt warm and comforting when I stroke you. And when SY walked into the room, she did the exact same thing I did. You looked so peaceful, so at ease, that wk and I decided that Lynn should see you. She came, she hid behind me, then when she saw you, she came up beside me. I told her you are like gor gor hamster, gone peacefully and forever. And we said bye bye to you as we left the room.
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